


Cordolium

by Yeetingleek



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 09:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17701598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeetingleek/pseuds/Yeetingleek
Summary: Cordolium(n.) Heartache ; heartfelt sorrowIt's time for him to fight for his own happiness.





	Cordolium

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it <3

"THIS IS self torture." Chenle commented on one sunny day when the sun is up high in the sky. Jeno's didn't answer, instead he chooses to take a sip of herbal tea—which is coincidentally brewed by the same person that is with him—that is supposed to make him feel sorta better. After all Chenle is just commenting on him, thus he is not obliged to answer. Chenle sighed, already accustomed to silence that greets him every time he as much as mentions the older man's condition.

"Hey, since I bothered to come here why don't you say something? Like, talk to me instead of pretending I don't exist?" Chenle whined, clearly bored. Again no response. Frankly speaking, Jeno is not in the mood to speak to anyone at all. It's not that he doesn't appreciate his friends effort to take care of him since he's body is getting weaker and weaker as the days gone by. It's just that Chenle is just oblivious even if his entire body language had shown that he doesn't want to speak.

"What do you even want to talk about?" At the end Jeno gave in and replies. What else can he do, really?

"Anything." Chenle says. Jeno rolled his eyes.

"If so then there will be no conversation between us." Jeno answers rather cooly. Regretting it a second later when his temper reminded him of a certain someone who is easily indulged in an argument. 

"I just don't want silence to drown you in your own thoughts-" 

"Well duh, I'm not you." Jeno remarked sarcastically, cutting Chenle's words.

"-and if you think too much you'll think of sad stuff." Chenle finished, seemingly undisturbed with Jeno's sarcasm.

Jeno lifted his head to look at the boy who has positioned himself on the comfort of the sofa across of him. He silently respects how Chenle can still be unaffected even with his cold treatment. Though he knows that deep down the boy is still annoyed with his shitty attitude. Well what is he supposed to do? He already established (to himself) that he doesn't want to speak. Just what is not understandable in that?

"Is that so? You're implying that I will drown in my own misery? Jeno raised an eyebrow, unimpressed and slightly offended.

"Most dying people usually does that. And it would be bad if you do too so I'm talking to you because I've read somewhere that talking can at least help alleviate your problems." Chenle explains with a shrug. Jeno scoffs upon hearing the obvious lie in Chenle's words. Chenle didn't read that, he experienced that.

Jeno knows that Chenle is just wanting to help him—as annoyed as he is with him—and the boy has a point. The disease that is assailing his lungs has corrupted his mind and affects his personality. He's more distant and sardonic now.

"I'm not most people, Chenle. I'm not you." In the back of his mind, he knows that it's insolent . Especially when he sees Chenle's expression shifted for a second before turning back to normal. He sort of waiting for it, for Chenle to lose his patience and/or composure and then left him in his apartment. That's why it surprised him when Chenle didn't even break his eye contact with him.

"I never said you are me." Chenle says unwavering. Though the playful lilt in his voice is lost. "Just now was an insult, Hyung. I'm disappointed."

Jeno swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling the guilt crawling in. He admits he's emotionally constipated. Still, it doesn't give him any rights to treat his friends in such an inappropriate way.  
"I didn't mean to say that. I'm just not in the right mind to speak today, that was rude of me. I'm sorry." 

Great. Now he feels like a complete jerk.

"Hey, I get it. Don't look at me like that I'll feel bad. Just say it sooner next time, yeah?" Chenle smiles before taking out his phone and plays with it. Jeno is a little taken aback by that, in a way Chenle had matured. It made him proud and embarrassed at the same time for his childish actions.

"Ah right. Before you ignore me again I'm just gonna say that we—as in me, Jisung, Donghyuck hyung, and Mark Hyung—cares. That we don't mean to annoy you or anything." Chenle added.

"I know.." he completely knows.  
.

"SURGERY, HAVE YOU thought about it?" Donghyuck asked a few minutes after Chenle left to hang out with Jisung because his 'shift' to take care if Jeno is over. Jeno gave him a look. "I'm just saying that because you're in the brink of death right now."

"Not helping." 

"I know." Donghyuck says, sitting on the place where Chenle was a few minutes ago. "What's with you today?"

Jeno really wants to tell him. About his malcontented and disgruntled heart. That he's tired of living in silence, that's tired of living pathetically like now. "Hyuck," he looks at him. "Am I pitying myself now?"

"Huh?"  
.

LET US REWIND the time setting into three months ago. 

Jeno loves high school reunions. Where friends from the same hellhole called highschool gather to reminisce at the nostalgic memories where they were young and free. It's fun to gather again to make sure about the times when they're determined as if they can held the world in their hands. Though that fun didn't last that long.

Not when he drops to one knee and shows a red velvety box with a ring in it to the the man that is his lover: Huang Renjun. Not when hearing the clappings that came from the alumnus from the same high school. Not when seeing the pure joy in Na Jaemin's face that is caused by someone other than him. 

Jeno forces a big smile when he sees Jaemin looking at him as if waiting for his approval—which he gives with a big thumbs up. He wants to cry when Jaemin's orbs flashes with satisfaction for having the blessings from his best friend. The agony is burning inside.

At that time he felt as if something is stuck in his breathing pipe, that he needs to actually excuse himself to the toilet to get it out. The first time hurts so so much. As if thorns are spiking his throat, accompanied with a bitter taste in his mouth. 

Jeno couldn't believe it happened to him, almost not believing what he had seen. How could he not? He coughed out petals.

"Oh God." Jeno wants to deny it, to pretend that this is just a bad bad dream that he'll woke up tomorrow and feel nothing. "Oh God, I'm in love."

Mark barges in the door later on with a very worried face when he's curling himself into a ball, crying.  
.  
"WHATEVER DO YOU mean by that?" Donghyuck asked back.

"Am I letting myself down too much? Do I still have the chance to heal again?" Can I be happy again?" Jeno asked.

"Dude you always have that chance, from the very beginning it's always been clear. You're just scared for the changes after you do it." Donghyuck's eyes bore into his skull, and Jeno can't find himself to return the stare.

"Say ... If I use that chance, can I get my old life back?" 

The old life where he can see Jaemin without having to hide the petals that are spilling from his mouth. The old life where he and Jaemin can hang out without him having to feel guilty for his feelings. The old life where he is not bedridden with some deadly disease.

"Who knows?" Donghyuck shrugs, "it depends on you"

Jeno bites his lips. He really wants to cry. He's not going to steal Jaemin from Renjun, he's not going to disturb them when they're so in love with each other.

He realized, he knows that even with how much he loves Jaemin he won't give him happiness. Only Renjun can do that, his role in Jaemin's life is only to be his best friend slash brother. And to live up his role he needs to be supportive on Jaemin's decision.

Because whatever he does, Jaemin won't love him back the way he wants him to.

"I'm scared Hyuck." Jeno whispered, half hoping that Donghyuck won't hear him.

"Of course you're scared. If you're not scared you ain't human." Donghyuck whispered back. When Jeno didn't respond he added, "you gotta let him go, Jeno. It's time for you to fight for your own happiness."

Let him go?

He's not ready...

"I'll try." He says nonetheless. Donghyuck smiles.

"Good"  
.

"HYUNG, DO I still have time for surgery?" Jeno asked when Mark came to also take care of him. In the midst of finishing his college degree and interning in a hospital, Mark still find time to be there for Jeno. Though not as often as Chenle, Jisung, nor Donghyuck he still managed and Jeno really appreciate that effort. He owes a lot to Mark.

"I think you have," Mark smiles warmly, as if trying to soothe his aching heart. "Honestly, I'd personally drag you to hospital if you're in dire situation."

Jeno can't help but laugh at that, eyes forming crescents as he actually smiled for once. He really needs to thank all his friends for helping him this last three months. Starting from Mark who at knows the professional procedures to tend him and was there to encourage him for the first week when his lungs feels like it's about to collapse at any moment. Chenle and Jisung (even if they're kinda annoying at times) whose presence are always constant, helping him managing the house and himself. To Donghyuck who always brought him medications and herbal teas to soothe his burning pain. Because of them, know he knows what to do.

"Mark-hyung, thank you."

Mark turns to him, still smiling, "Tell me that when you recovered. I didn't even do anything."

"You don't know that. You did a lot of things that helps." Jeno sighed, "I'm honestly a bit scared. Loving Jaemin has always been a habit, something that is always there. I.. I don't know what I should do when I don't love him anymore."

It's embarrassing, being completely honest like that. But Mark nods, he then grabs both of Jeno's hands, holding him and understanding him.

"I'm not going to lie, at first you will feel like you lost something. As if you have a hole in your heart. And that won't leave, not until you find someone to fill that hole." Mark squeezes his hands, "but I'm completely sure you'll get through. You're strong, Jeno."

Mark briefly ruffled his hair, "You deserve to be happy, yeah?" A brotherly gesture that never fail to make him feel safe and warm inside. He can't help but smile too despite himself.  
.

"JAEMIN, CAN YOU pick me up? I'm in the park where we used to play when we're little." Jeno internally congratulates himself on his stable voice. 

"Right now? What in the world are you doing out this late, oh my God.." Jaemin answered from the other side. Jeno knows that the other man is now shaking his head while clicking his tongue—but he'll go and pick him up anyways. Jeno bites his lips, his lungs feels like burning already and he can feel petals crawling to the back of his throat even though Jaemin's like a mile away.

He desperately tries to hold the petals inside while telling himself to be patient because it'll be over soon.

"You sound like you're gonna cough shit soon. Are you okay? Did you not bring your coat?" Jaemin's concerned voice broke through Jeno's haze. 

"I'm wearing my coat, calm down. But it's cold here so please hurry up." Jeno said then he hangs up, ignoring the sound of protests from Jaemin. He'd rather prepare himself now rather than dealing with his best friend.

He'll deal with Jaemin later either way.

Mark said that after surgery his romantic feelings for Jaemin won't remain. So it means that he'll only have a little time to relish the feelings since soon it'll be gone forever. Jeno closes his eyes, all of the sudden the memories of him and Jaemin flashed before his eyes. The good ones and the bad ones, everything.

He's unsure, actually. He doubts that what he's doing now is the right choice. Though, as Donghyuck had said, he'll fine a way. There's always a way.

He'll trust Donghyuck just this once.

So here he is, sitting on a swing in the play ground where he and Jaemin used to play at when they were kids. Waiting for Jaemin to arrive. 

It all ends now.

"Jeno-ya!" A deep voice called out for him, causing him to turn his head and see a man with bubblegum pink hair running towards him. Jeno's breath hitched, his heart beats three times faster as his anxiety increased—the side effects of seeing Jaemin.

Oh God, I love him so much.

"Yo," Jeno grinned, letting the other man come closer.

"The hell are you doing this late outside. Did you miss the last bus?" Jaemin raised an eyebrow to him.

"Something like that." A lie, Mark drove him there.

"So, this is the first time you called me first. There must be something." Jaemin smiled and Jeno decided to click his tongue, covering the nervousness that js starting to creep in very very slowly. Jaemin laughed—that same angelic laugh that cause his insides to do somersaults— and then sat next to him, "Tell me."

Jeno switched to biting his lips, suddenly very aware of the other's presence. "Tell you what?" Jeno asked, trying to prolong the time. Funny how he felt almost nothing just five minutes ago and suddenly feels everything now that Jaemin's here.

Jaemin scoffed, "Don't play dumb on me, Lee Jeno. You're clearly hiding something from me."

Jeno looks away feeling the tears already brimming on his eyes and he doesn't want Jaemin to see, "How do you always know?" His grip on the chain swing tightens.

"Because I'm your best friend." Jaemin answered.

Then Jeno breaks. The tears he desperately held fell from his eyes, wetting his cheeks as he finally cries. No longer able to cover anything from him anymore, "Jaemin.." the taste of his name is bitter in his mouth. 

"I'm here," Jaemin held one of Jeno's hands, squeezing it as a sign, a sense of reassurance, "Whatever happens I'm here. Always."

But it's not what Jeno wanted.

Jeno then rubs at his eyes, "Jaemin," he chokes out, "I have hanahaki."

The grip Jaemin had on his hands tightens, "What?"

"You heard me. I got hanahaki. There's flowers in my lungs."

Jaemin leaped from his place, crouching in front of Jeno—who automatically tries to cover his face again despite knowing Jaemin will be able to read him no matter what. The way Jaemin looks at him pained him, a mixture of anguish and concern.

Jeno immediately remembered why he fell in live with this man in the first place. Because Jaemin is always honest of his feelings, never once tries to cover it. How his eyes always shine with undying affections for everyone around him, or with resentment to those who harms his loved ones. Jaemin's honesty, Jeno really loves it.

"Since when?" He asked, voice shaking and Jeno gave up in hiding.

"Three months ago.." Jeno whispered. Even though Jaemin's grip on him hurts a little now from how tight he held him, Jeno found himseld not caring. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jaemin asked, betrayal visibly shown in his eyes. Clearly upset that Jeno didn't ask him for help, "you know I'd drop everything for you"

At those words Jeno's lungs constricted painfully, "I can't-" he sobbed, "I can't."

"Why can't you?" Jaemin asked, cupping Jeno's face so that he can't avoid his gaze again.

"Because," Jeno closed his eyes, it pains him, every breath he takes hurts. And he coughed, flower petals spilled from his mouth. Jeno barely registered Jaemin calling his name.

This is it.

"I can't tell you because, because it's you, Jaemin. I ... I'm in love with you." Jeno refused to meet Jaemin's eyes. There, he said it, now what?

"Jeno..." Jaemin calls out, "Jeno look at me." 

He finally looks up and his eyes widened at the sight of Jaemin crying, "You're crying..?" 

"Jeno, I'm really really sorry, " he whispered and Jeno immediately clammed up. It's painful, his lungs feels as if its on fire. He lets Jaemin embraced him, feeling his shoulders shaking as his eyes filled with tears again. A familiar gesture, he noted.

"I'm sorry, Jeno. I'm sorry that I don't love you the same way you love me."

It fucking hurts.

 

"It's alright, Nana, it's not your fault it's mine. Please don't apologize anymore"

"But—"

"Just," Jeno cuts in, "just let me deal with it myself. Believe in me a little."

Jaemin fortunately shuts up, choosing to just embrace him tightly like he always do.

"Thank you, Jaemin. For always being by my side, I'm sorry I love you."  
.

"WHAT ARE you going to do, now?" Jaemin asked without leaving his gaze on the road. They're in their way back, more like Jaemin is driving him back.

 

"I'll get surgery. Mark hyung said I can still live." Jeno answered with his eyes closed. He's exhausted from crying and the idea of opening it tire him. Jaemin doesn't say anything anymore, maybe he's just as tired as him.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you all this time.."  
Jaemin suddenly said, "I'm such a bad friend.

"Hei, stop apologizing it's not you fault." Jeno said, feeling the guiltiness radiating from the man beside him, "just promise me something." He continues when he feels Jaemin going to say something again.

"What is it?"

"After the surgery, I want you to be the first one to see me."

Silence.

"Okay." Jaemin says and Jeno smiles a little.

"You'll still be with me right? Even though you're going to get married  
and get busy you're still my best friend right?" Jeno warily asked, "this ... Won't change anything right?"

Jaemin didn't answer for a moment and it almost made Jeno regret everything.

"Of course," Jaemin says, "there's always a place for you, Jeno."

"Thank you." he smiles, relieved.  
.

WHEN JENO opens his eyes he is greeted with a white room that smells thick with medicine. His brain then processed the information that the surgery must be successful and that he's still alive. Along with that in mind, he also notices the weird feeling in him—like he lost something. Though his chest feels light without the flowers burdening his lungs he can't help but feel ... Empty. 

He thinks, a few moments after the doctor does check up on him (along with the explanation of a certain man with bubblegum pink hair who came everyday to bring fresh flowers). Maybe he's too used with the petals, because with those petals there is also his feelings. The feelings that is now gone. Now that he's left like this he kinda misses those petals—

"Jeno!'

—or maybe not.

He smiled at the gaping man in front of his hospital room door, true to the doctor's words he brings a fresh bouquet of daisies with him.

"Hi." He waved at him. Jaemin immediately runs up to him and gently embraced him, almost dropping the flowers in the process. Jaemin's breath hitched.

"Thank God." Jaemin whispered, gently stroking his hair. Jeno chuckled.

"I'm okay, you don't need to be so scared hugging me." Jeno said.

"I was so scared, you were out for almost a week you know?" Jaemin lets go to look at him worriedly. Jeno smiled at that.

If he were honest he'd admit that it feels weird, now need to adapt to not feeling anything for Jaemin. And changes always scares him.

But it's going to be okay, because he's not alone. He has his friends with him and everyone else who love him.

"Jaemin?" 

"Yeah?" Jeno then realized the others is crying, dork.

"I love you." This time he meant it differently.

"I love you more, you little shit." Jaemin says, hugging him tighter. Jeno smiled wider.

He's glad, for his choice. He no longer feel pain with that words. Mark was right, there is a hole in his heart but it's okay. Somebody will fill it in. After all it's time for him to fight for your own happiness.

Because another form of love is letting go, and Jeno is glad he had let him go.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!!! <3


End file.
